A Healthy Dose of Empathy

“Love is a many splendored thing” sang Matt Monro way back in 1965! Love is the seasoning in any relationship that makes it sweet, tasteful, and maybe a little spicy! Amy and I are deeply and madly in love with each other, and one of the key ingredients that has keep our love hot is learning from the creator of love – God himself!

In Luke 6, Jesus goes into a long conversation about how to love just about anyone – even someone who you’d consider your enemy. This goes way past simply loving someone who already cares for you and has a close friendship with you.  But the principle that Jesus gives us here is gold: Do to others as you would have them do to you. (Luke 6:31) It is literally called the golden rule which basically says, “treat others the way you want to be treated.”

Here is found a golden truth for marriages: put yourself in your mate’s shoes. It’s called empathy. Not a syrupy, gooey care for them for the purpose of saving face or selfish gain, but an empathy that says, “If I were in their shoes, I would want to be treated in such and such way.”

Best-selling authors Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott wrote a book years ago entitled “Trading Places: The best move you will ever make in your marriage.” The core concept is that "Couples who are stepping on each other's toes should try walking in each other's “shoes.” Trading Places reduces conflict, deepens your commitment, and helps you live as better friends and lovers".

The truth is that when we’re able to have true empathy and put ourselves in our spouse’s shoes, it will infuse the relationship with grace, help us enjoy a longer, more fruitful marriage and it will improve our conversation, intimacy and partnership. The truth is "Nothing works faster than empathy". 

For me as a dude, I am usually focused on what is most effective or what is the most efficient way to get something done. I am also highly task oriented, so I’m focused on just plain getting things done. This mindset for us over the years has been helpful, but also problematic from a relationship standpoint, since I’m often unaware of Amy’s feelings or what her concerns are about a particular situation in our lives together. I have to consciously stop and “back up the bus” to see how I’ve overlooked her thoughts, ideas, concerns or feelings about a certain matter. Many times I’ve found myself asking her, “Honey, what do you think about our budget and saving more money?” or “What are you feeling right now about having guests/relatives over tomorrow night?”

Whether it be financial difficulties, in-law problems, health issues, lack of intimacy or just plain exhaustion, our marriages and relationships can improve quickly and satisfactorily when we practice putting ourselves in our mate’s “shoes” or place.

Try this: When there is tension in the relationship, before trying to get your way or attempt to get your mate to see things your way, stop and physically take off your shoes (or sandals if you’re in a warmer climate) and ask, “What are your feelings on this issue?” Stop and listen and try to put yourself in your mates shoes – trade places with them and empathize with their situation. You’ll be glad you did!